Faultless Volume One
by Velvet Berry and Thumper
Summary: Snape and Remus have a fobidden romance, but Snape's not as committed as Remus would like to think.
1. Lost and Found

Title: Faultless Volume One

Authors: Velvet. Berry and Thumper

Rating: R

Pairing: Everyone under the sun.

Disclaimer: We don't own any of them but are currently bidding. Berry will do anything to get Sirius and will do anything when she gets him.

The Other Disclaimer: This was written as a one-word per person story. When very high on chocolate.

The Other Other Disclaimer: Every time we receive a flame we're going to have a barbecue so… send us one, go one you know you want to.

Crossover: Slightly Harry Potter/ Pirates of the Caribbean, mostly Harry Potter.

Snape and Remus where strolling leisurely around Snape's bedroom, kissing. Suddenly Jack Sparrow jumped out of his cupboard singing tunelessly about various porpoises making cakes from kittens. Alarmed, Remus produced several claws wrapped up in leather and clawed Jack who fainted girlishly. Snape meanwhile squirmed pleasurably in jest or horror, no one knew.

Out of Remus' suitcase appeared handcuffs and whips, property stolen from Dumbledore when he excitedly left Sirius (heterosexual) for Snape – Remus was unaware. Suddenly Snape recoiled wincing as though Remus had bitten his nose, or his arm, or elsewhere. For Remus had bitten a small foot hidden under Snape's robes.

Meanwhile Dumbledore found Remus under Snape's duvet and Jack awoke screaming "Rum!"

Dumbledore shouted "Kumbayah!" he threw apples through the time-portal which opened into three swirly-things leading to Hogwarts and Dumbledore's bedroom.

Jack poked Snape into the closet crying "Avast foul cheater!"

Snape screamed "Bollocks!" and disapperated to Arabia leaving Remus crying, Dumbledore stunned Jack comatose with his hair wrapped around Remus' fingers. Remus sobbed over Snape's robes and the split ends of Dumbledore's beard. Snape joined the French foreign legion dying his hair green and purple.

The End


	2. Getting Hairy

**AN: Due to the unprecedented level of demand for a sequel we are continuing this into a story! Where the star is marks where we switched to one sentence per person instead of one word. **

**Want more? Tell us! **

**Want a barbecue? Flame us!**

**Hugs and kisses**

**Velvet, Berry and Thumper**

_Snape ran along the promenade towards Remus_. Twitching slightly in his sleep, Remus longed for Snape with half awoken delirium. Sobbing, he cuddled his teddy bear and longed passionately for company. Remus got a prostitute but decided not to bother with sex for half a year after being rejected painfully.

This, Dumbledore thought, was really dangerous because he fancied Remus. Dumbledore crept into his sleeping bag where he found Snape. "WHAT?" Snape yelled.

"Weren't you in Arabia?!" Dumbledore cried. Snape shook his wand threateningly.

"I hope Remus doesn't blame me, but you," Snape snorted. "Why don't we keep quiet about us and fish for eternity."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Dumbledore cried. "Are you expecting me to marry you?"

"You know what I mean," Snape said suggestively. "We don't have to do the legal part," he added.

"So you're dropping Remus then?! Dumbledore asked.

"Oh, shit, I forgot about him." Said Snape hastily, although this was untrue, and he'd secretly planned to have them both.

Meanwhile, Remus was in his room, contemplating his life with Snape. Or rather, without Snape, as he now believed his partner was with Dumbledore even now.

Meanwhile Sirius was off sleeping with lots of women because he was straight.

But no one told Snape this, so he maintained his secret desire.

Dumbledore and Snape were just discussing sleeping arrangements (who got the sofa, get your mind out the gutter) when the door opened. It was Remus who could not sleep because he was missing the warmth of Snape's body. He was shocked to see Dumbledore and Snape inside, and cried, "I thought you were with the foreign legion!" Dumbledore and Snape froze like rabbits confronted with a big hairy monster, which was quite apt, as Remus, due to stress, switched into his werewolf form and charged.

"Mmm… Kinky."

TBC… 


End file.
